Mother's Day, May 10, 2015 To My Precious Daughter, Abundynce, Mommy misses you! I wish I could hold you right now. It is so hard to wait for Heaven. Daddy and I were so excited on December 6th, 2014, when on a date night I took a pregnancy test in the restroom at the restaurant where we were eating! I brought the test out and we watched together as the two lines appeared announcing your new little life. Christmas was coming and we couldn't wait to surprise everyone, especially your brother and sisters, with this most exciting new gift from the Lord! Everyone was ecstatic just as we were.
When I saw my midwife for the first time in early January, she thought it would be too soon to hear heart tones. But in just a few seconds she had located your little heart beating away! It was so fast and was like music to my ears! LIFE was forming inside of me ... your little life was heard and confirmed! A month later, we heard it again! My midwife was quick to find it on that day also. Oh how I wish I had recorded that sweet sound. Several weeks passed and I thought I was starting to feel you move inside of me. The feeling of a baby moving inside a mother cannot be explained. It is an amazing experience. I love being pregnant! I was feeling the beginning flutters of your movement and each night I would lay in bed waiting to be reassured that you were growing stronger and more active. I was a bit concerned when instead I felt only stillness. I didn't voice my fear to anyone but could hardly wait for the next appointment so I could hear your heartbeat. I knew that sound would put all of my worries to rest. All I wanted was to hear your little heart beating.
On Tuesday, March 10, 2015, at 18 weeks, my appointment finally arrived and when it came to that anticipated moment of hearing you ... to my heartbreak there was only silence. My midwife tried repeatedly to find you, but when we didn't hear you right away I knew that you were gone. I looked at Daddy and he had a puzzled look on his face as he kept waiting to hear that sweet sound. My midwife prayed that she would locate some sign of life, but after trying a second doppler she suggested we get a sonogram as soon as possible. Daddy held me and we both wept. As soon as possible wasn't until the next day, so the night was agonizing. I didn't sleep much, but when I woke up it all felt like a bad dream. This was the time in my pregnancy when we were supposed to be having a sonogram to find out if you were a little boy or a little girl ... I had been brainstorming gender reveal ideas! But instead of finding out your gender, the sonogram confirmed that your life had slipped away. Now I was faced with the reality that although your spirit was already with Jesus, your body still needed to be laid to rest. No mother desires the pain of labor without the joy of holding new life.
The next two days were emotionally excruciating. I tried not to think about what lay ahead, but at times fear would overwhelm me. I clung to the verses of scripture* which said that I was not alone ... that God was with me and would strengthen me ... the scripture that told me to be strong and courageous. I thought about Christ in the Garden of Gethsemane when He cried out to His Father for another way. Yet not His will, but His Father's will be done. Amidst the fear and dread, the Lord was mercifully giving me peace in the middle of the storm. Labor was induced on Friday, March 13, 2015 and at 8:48 in the evening you were born ... into my hand ... still. My midwife arrived to our home shortly after and later discovered that an amniotic band had wrapped around your umbilical cord and cut off your lifeline. You were so tiny, yet so perfect. Everything was there and if you had been given time to grow you would have been born a beautiful bouncing baby girl! Instead, you were still so beautiful ... just very still. On Sunday, March 15, we laid your body to rest in a small service on our property. We released one balloon signifying your ascent into Heaven and then let five more go representing our family joining you one day ... and in light of eternity that will happen very soon.
In the months since losing you, I have received unexpected joy when sharing you with those I love and even those I've never met. Making the video and the memory book and sharing pictures of you has been part of the healing process for me, not to bring attention to us, but to you and to glorify your Maker. When some people hear the word "miscarriage" I'm not sure they picture such a fearfully and wonderfully made human being. But that is what you were. Your life, though very short, matters and your soul counts for eternity. Daddy and I find comfort in knowing that Heaven is your only home ... you never have to experience the pain of this broken, fallen world. And because of God's free gift of salvation to us through Jesus dying on the cross, we will see you again in a place where there are no more tears. We now cling to the verses* which speak of God's promises to make all things new and fix everything that is broken.
As Mother's Day approaches, I am so thankful the Lord allowed me to be your mommy. I will always treasure the 128 days I carried you in my womb. Jesus carries you now in that beautiful paradise where my beloved mother (your Mema) sings with the angels. I miss her terribly and often imagine the day when I am reunited with you both in glory. Through the pain of losing the two of you, God has inscribed eternity on my broken heart. Until that glorious day .... Your Loving Mommy, Yolanda *Isaiah 43:2, Philippians 4:13, Joshua 1:9 *Revelation 21:5, Psalm 147:3
Abundynce Faith Thomas Memorial Video: