In 2017, my husband and I were expecting our second baby. The first month went by quickly and we were excitedly beginning to tell people our news. When I was 8 weeks along, I found myself praying in a way I had never prayed in my previous pregnancy. I told God that this baby belonged to Him and I trusted His will over my own. Just a day or two later I started spotting which soon turned to bleeding and cramping.
I dropped off my daughter with the babysitter and met my husband at the ER. We spent hours in the waiting room, and while we waited I opened my Bible App to Daniel 3. I read as Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego were confronted by King Nebuchadnezzar for not bowing down to his statue, and the phrase “and if not, He is still good,” came to my mind.
I prayed for God to let me keep my sweet baby, but I knew that if not, my God was still good. When we got back to the room, the doctors confirmed that our baby had passed. I completely fell apart, but I felt confident that God was still present in that hospital room.
A couple months after our loss, I found out I was pregnant again. The pregnancy was hard, both physically and mentally. I began to withdraw from the Lord because I didn’t want Him to have this baby too. Depression began to sink in slowly and just weeks before my due date, I started having health issues. At the same time, my baby’s heart was skipping beats and the unknown and the extra monitoring began to take a toll on me.
I think for the first time, I was really seeing how little control I have over my own life. After Jonah was born, my depression grew worse and so did my health. I was having debilitating panic attacks almost every day that landed me in the ER a couple of times. My body continued to break down from the constant stress and there were times that my dizziness was so bad that I couldn't even walk in a straight line.
I couldn't look at a newborn or a pregnant woman without feeling nauseous and angry. I stopped seeing a lot of my friends during that time because I no longer could recognize myself and very little brought me joy anymore.
When Jonah turned 1, I started seeing a counselor who pushed me to really allow myself to grieve my loss, and when I finally did tell her how I was feeling towards pregnant women and babies, she said, "Well why wouldn't you feel that way?"
That validation was a huge turning point for me. I had permission to fully mourn and I leaned into my grief for the first time. I took my guilt, anger, fears, and sorrow to the Lord and He offered me peace, joy, and healing in return.
Most importantly, He showed me that I could grieve with hope. Loss is inevitable in this life, but we don’t have to journey our loss alone. Psalm 23 says: “Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for You are close beside me. Your rod and Your staff protect and comfort me.” We will walk through that darkest valley, but our Hope rests in the faith that we won’t be walking that journey alone.
Lullaby of Hope is a 501(c)3 non-profit ministry, crafting wonderfully made gift boxes for women journeying loss in the womb. Each item in our gift box has been hand-picked with the intent of guiding each bereaved mother back to God so that she might find the hope that only He can provide.
Our team is made up of a group of women who have each journeyed through pregnancy loss and who desire to help other women who are journeying the same kind of loss. I was asked to step onto the board by my close friend and mentor back in 2015, years before my miscarriage.
After a lot of prayer (and confusion), I knew I was supposed to say yes. Once I found out I was pregnant with my second, I thought it was time for me to step away, but after my loss I knew that I was exactly where I was meant to be. As my faith has grown in the last several years, so has my passion for this mission that the Lord has given our group. God can take our worst circumstances and use them to draw us nearer to Him, and that nearness is our greatest Hope in loss.
Written by Britany Perl, mother of Baby Perl, born into Heaven at 8 weeks
Please leave some love and encouragement for Britany in the comments below. We appreciate your prayers for their family.
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