61 | Beauty from Ashes: Miscarriage, Addiction, Recovery, and New Life in Christ | Emily Shove
- Bridget's Cradles
- Jun 1
- 37 min read
Updated: Jun 2
In this deeply vulnerable and hope-filled episode, Ashley welcomes her friend Emily Shove to share her powerful testimony of miscarriage, addiction recovery, and transformation through Jesus. Emily shares the story of her son, Phoenix, and the emotional and physical trauma of her miscarriage.
She also bravely opens up about her past struggles with alcohol, the temptation to relapse in the depths of grief, and how God used community, recovery, and His Word to bring healing. With raw honesty, Emily talks about sobriety, naming her baby, the beauty of support groups, and the unshakable hope of Heaven. This episode is a testimony to the God who brings beauty from ashes and uses our deepest pain for His greatest glory.
In this episode, we discussed:
The silent suffering of early miscarriage and the trauma that often goes unseen
The comparison trap in grief and how every baby’s life deserves validation
Emily’s journey through alcohol addiction and what led her to recovery
How the loss of baby Phoenix tested—but ultimately deepened—her faith
The role of AA and Christ-centered community in sustaining sobriety through grief
Writing as a healing outlet: letters to God, Phoenix, and her future self
The power of naming your baby and speaking their name with love and hope
God’s relentless pursuit and the beauty of becoming a new creation in Christ
Full transcript below.
Recovery Resources:
MEET OUR GUEST
Emily Shove lives in Wichita, Kansas, with her husband, James, and their three dogs. She is the mama of baby Phoenix in Heaven (1/16/2024).
After experiencing a miscarriage, Emily discovered Bridget’s Cradles while searching for support and attended her first Support & Serve group in July 2024. She has a deep passion for authentic community and believes that true healing happens when we walk alongside one another, not in isolation.
Connect with Emily:
Email: emilyshove812@gmail.com
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MEET OUR HOST
Ashley Opliger is the Executive Director of Bridget's Cradles, a nonprofit organization based in Wichita, Kansas that donates cradles to over 1,500 hospitals in all 50 states and comforts over 30,000 bereaved families a year.
Ashley is married to Matt and they have three children: Bridget (in Heaven), and two sons. She is a follower of Christ who desires to share the hope of Heaven with families grieving the loss of a baby.
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EPISODE TRANSCRIPT
Episode 61 | Beauty from Ashes: Miscarriage, Addiction, Recovery, and New Life in Christ | Emily Shove
Ashley Opliger: [00:00:00] You’re listening to the Cradled in Hope Podcast. I’m your host,
Ashley Opliger. I’m a wife, mom, and follower of Christ who founded Bridget’s Cradles, a nonprofit ministry in memory of my daughter, Bridget, who was stillborn at 24 weeks.
Cradled in Hope is a Gospel-focused podcast for grieving moms to find comfort, hope, and healing after the loss of a baby. We want this to be a safe place for your broken heart to land.
Here, we are going to trust God’s promise to heal our hearts, restore our joy, and use our grief for good. With faith in Jesus and eyes fixed on Heaven, we do not have to grieve without hope. We believe that Jesus cradles us in hope while He cradles our babies in Heaven.
Welcome to the Cradled in Hope Podcast.
Ashley Opliger: [00:00:49] Hey everyone. Welcome back to another episode of Cradled in Hope. I am honored to have my friend Emily Shove on our podcast today. She is a grieving mom who lives in Wichita, which is local to me, and she started coming to our support groups in July of 2024.
And I have had the privilege of getting to know her and hearing more of her story and her testimony of faith, and also become dear friends with her. And so I know you're going to be so blessed; I believe this is a timely and needed message.
And so let me introduce Emily to you. Emily Shove lives with her husband, James, in Wichita with their three dogs. She is momma to baby Phoenix in Heaven, and she discovered Bridget’s Cradles while searching for miscarriage support groups and attended her first Support and Serve in July of 2024.
She has a passion for being part of a community as she believes we heal alongside one another rather than while we are alone or isolated. We are going to talk more about that in this episode, as well as her journey through recovery with an addiction to alcohol. So this conversation is going to be very deep and vulnerable, which I really appreciate about Emily, her willingness to be real and raw with us. So let's dive into the conversation now.
Ashley Opliger: [00:02:04] Welcome, Emily, to the Cradled in Hope Podcast.. I'm so glad to have you.
Emily Shove: [00:02:09] I'm so glad to be here. Thanks for having me.
Ashley Opliger: [00:02:11] Well, Emily, I am just so humbled and honored to have you on the podcast. I'll let you share how we met and your involvement with Bridget’s Cradles, but I just knew from the moment I met you that I had to share your story on Cradled in Hope.
You have such an incredible redemption story. Jesus has just had His hand on your life, and He has brought you out of the darkness into the light. And you and I have had several private conversations just about how vulnerable you're willing to be to lead others into freedom and to share your story. So Emily, would you introduce yourself and share your story with us?
Emily Shove: [00:02:52] Absolutely.
Hi everyone. My name is Emily, and I got married to my husband in 2022, and a year later, we decided that we were ready to start trying to get pregnant. And that was my first time getting pregnant, and it was December 23rd, 2023, when I found out that I was indeed pregnant.
So two days before Christmas, very excited, went to my mom's. We were jumping up and down in the kitchen with joy about this beautiful Christmas blessing we received.
And I had an ultrasound scheduled in January, and it wasn't great news when we went in. The image, she said that the baby looked small for the weeks that I was pregnant.
She had said at the ultrasound that it could have been a missed miscarriage, which I didn't know what that meant at the time, and I was too fearful to ask any questions and full of anxiety.
She did want to schedule an ultrasound a week after that. So when I left that ultrasound with my husband, I was so fear-and anxiety-ridden of what was to come and what we were going to see on the next image the next week.
A few days after that first ultrasound, I started spotting and cramping. I had expressed my concerns to a couple ladies at church, who knew that I was pregnant and had an ultrasound, and their responses weren't really well. But they said, “Don't stress out. I'm sure things are going to be okay. Just wait for the next ultrasound.”
Well, the next day after church is when the cramping increased and the bleeding increased quite a bit, so I was really scared.
When I went to bed that night, the pain was becoming unbearable. I had to constantly make trips to the bathroom, and then it got to the point where I was just laying on the bathroom floor, passing a lot of blood and tissue, and I think that I was in shock of what was going on, that I was losing my baby. So it was hard for me to wrap my head around that.
I don't even know if it was an audible scream or if it was just internal, but I was crying out to God, “Please make this pain stop. Where are You? I don't feel You anywhere with me.” It did feel like an abandonment in that moment.
So it was several hours of pain, and I couldn't manage it anymore or bear it anymore, so I did have my husband take me to the ER. And they did an ultrasound there and they said that there was more tissue to pass. And I saw my OBGYN the next morning when we were discharged from ER; she had given me a pill that was going to contract my uterus so the rest could pass.
I was extremely terrified of doing that because of the pain level that I had experienced the night before. And she said, “No, it won't be a problem because they gave you pain meds from the ER. Don't worry about it.” So I did take that pill before bed, and the same thing happened again.
It was several hours of what felt like contractions. I had never been in labor before, but if I can imagine labor, that's what I was experiencing over again for several hours. So that finally stopped, early morning again, and I just felt like I was in complete shock, and I felt abandoned by God and felt very alone.
Ashley Opliger: [00:06:45] Emily, I'm just so sorry for your loss and for the trauma that you went through.
I think so often, especially for women who have lost a baby early in their pregnancy, a missed miscarriage, or in the first several weeks, there's a silent pain that you experience. And you can elaborate on this for me, but you got to share the happy news with your mom and obviously your husband, but you hadn't gotten the chance to announce it to friends or online or anything like that.
And it’s just like a very silent, private thing, and it's traumatizing with all the blood and the pain, everything that's going on with your body, and it's like emotional whiplash because you're riding this high of finding out that you're going to have a baby and all of the hopes and dreams and excitement that you have, especially around Christmas, and then so quickly for all of those hopes and dreams to be dashed.
And I remember one of the first support groups that I met you at. It was almost like you felt like your loss wasn't validated because you were only pregnant for a couple of weeks.
And I remember reminding [everyone that] every baby that is being grieved here at the support group is worthy of being grieved because they have an eternal soul that lives in Heaven. And no matter how many weeks they spent in your womb, they're still your child.
So will you just talk about, first of all, just the trauma of going through an early miscarriage and the silent pain and suffering that is associated with it, but also those feelings of not feeling validated.
Emily Shove: [00:08:21] I will start at the comparison traps that I can get myself into sometimes.
At that first support group that I went to, like you said, I was hearing these other stories that seemed more traumatic or seemed more shocking and painful to me. And so I think the enemy uses that to try to bring me down and disconnect me from the Lord.
And so I just want to say that my feelings and my pain were valid, and that's what the group gave me, that every story and experience is our own, that we can have ownership in that, and that I was indeed in the right place with the right people.
We announced our pregnancy to family members and a couple of close friends. And after we had announced it to close friends, they had got us a little baby blanket and a little stuffed animal for our baby. And so it was very quick from excitement to the pain and the shock very quickly.
And I wasn't sure how to navigate being so thrilled and excited, and also nervous and scared because this was my first pregnancy, and I hadn't taken care of a baby before like this, and I wasn't sure how it was going to work out. But I knew that we had so many family members and friends that were going to support and love this baby, and I knew that I was married to the love of my life and that we were a great team, and we would just figure it out.
But definitely those feelings of loneliness because it was so private. I'm also kind of grateful that I only allowed certain people to have that news though, as well, because it's so painful delivering that message in the midst of grief to people that knew my situation and asked about the pregnancy.
So it was just that many more people I had to break the devastating news to, but it was more private, and we were able to enjoy that together intimately, which I really enjoyed.
Ashley Opliger: [00:10:33] Yeah, and I think it's so hard too because a lot of times our culture, we have this understanding of like, we shouldn't announce pregnancies until 13 weeks or until you're out of the first trimester, when the most amount of miscarriages can happen.
And I do think there's something really special about being able to announce it earlier and having that support, because if you were to not have told anybody, just how much more suffering that would've caused for you to not have any support as you're grieving.
But on the flip side, also, the more people that you have to share the devastating news, so it's kind of a double-edged sword in a way.
But I also just want to come back to what you said about the comparison and how so often for women who lose a baby so early, how the enemy uses that as trying to invalidate the sanctity of human life.
And we see a cultural war in an all-out battle on the sanctity of human life from the enemy. But I think that's another way that he uses it, is really trying to invalidate that if you just went to the ER and you're bleeding, this wasn't a baby. The enemy tries to plant these lies. “Well, you didn't really lose a baby.”
And those are all lies from the enemy because we know in God's Word that each human is made in His image at conception.
And so you have a baby in Heaven that you'll get to meet one day, and you'll be reunited with forever and ever. And we are living in a time, especially in a generation where we're not acknowledging little babies in the womb as being human or being babies.
And so I think that's also a part of this cultural thing, too, is like you're grieving a baby in a culture that there's all these lies surrounding it. But will you tell me about the name that you chose for your baby and how you came to decide to name your baby?
Emily Shove: [00:12:36] Yeah, so I had gone to therapy after the miscarriage had happened, about once a week. And she had thought my baby was a boy, and I really didn't have any idea. We weren't far along enough to have any of that testing done or see the imagery of boy or girl.
But she said, “Boy,” and I immediately connected to that, and I said, “Yes, I believe so.”
And almost immediately the name Phoenix came to mind for my baby. And I think it just has a powerful image of a phoenix coming up from the ashes or from the mud into something beautiful.
So it almost represents my life and recovery. I'm a recovering alcoholic, and this intertwines into my miscarriage and feelings of grief from basically restoration and redemption, so from the old to the new. Beauty from the ashes. We are a new creation in Christ. So that's what Phoenix represents to me, is from the old to the new, from the mud to the beautiful.
Ashley Opliger: [00:13:46] Absolutely. That is so beautiful. I love that you honored your baby and validated his life by giving him a name. I can imagine that had to be really healing for you. But also just the symbolism behind his name and the journey that God has you on in your own walk with Christ.
And so you mentioned that you are a recovering alcoholic, and you and I have had a lot of really deep conversations about this part of your life, and I just feel so strongly that your story needs to be shared because there are so many women who struggle with relying on alcohol or other substances to be able to cope with grief.
And I know that you had been on this journey before you lost Phoenix, but you wanted to turn back to your old ways because the grief was so intense, and God did not allow you to go back into the darkness. But it was certainly a journey. So would you walk us back to where this all began, and the timeline of the story, and then how that intertwined with your grief story?
Emily Shove: [00:14:55] Absolutely. I found AA in 2021. I had kind of reached my own spiritual rock bottom, I would say. I think I hid it really well as far as tangible items that might have been taken from these other people that were alcoholics.
I found my first meeting in March of 2021, and I was hearing all of these stories about relationships being broken, houses being lost, children being taken away from these parents that are addicts, and how they're working to restore and reconcile these relationships and turning their lives around.
I heard about DUIs and jail time and institutions, and I had never experienced those things. So immediately I'm questioning, “Am I truly an alcoholic? Is this truly a problem? Surely I have more time to go out there and drink.”
And those were just lies from the enemy. And I knew it because I picked up that big book. It's called a Big Book, and that's what we refer to Alcoholics Anonymous. And immediately I read the first page and just knew, “Yes, this is exactly what's going on with me, and I'm relating to these people in such deep and profound ways emotionally, mentally and spiritually, that this is exactly what's going on and there's hope for me, I can turn my life around.”
So that's where I learned about willingness to surrender my life over to a higher power, who I call God, God of the Bible. And it allowed me to learn about what surrender looks like with turning things over to Him when we're in dark times.
So after the miscarriage, I had a good, solid foundation of not only my faith in Christ, but also AA and those principles that I could practice on a daily basis. However, I hadn't ever experienced grief sober before. My first thought in my mind is to pick up a drink because I know it'll work. I know it will numb out those feelings that I don't think I can bear anymore.
And so the obsession was really real for the first two or three months after having the miscarriage. My thoughts were consumed about, “This is what's going to work. I just need a drink. I just need a drink.” And what's really cool about the Holy Spirit living within us is that the Spirit gets to work on our behalf.
So it wasn't me on my own staying sober through the grief. It was the Holy Spirit's work on my behalf placing certain people on my path to get me through that hard time and navigating all of those feelings. I have such a fear of feeling things so deeply, and that's why drinking worked for me, was because it numbed it out.
But what I had learned from AA was you reach out. If you're in the dark and you think you're going to pick up, you call a friend. And so I had called my sponsor, sobbing, barely able to get the words out about what happened, how I had lost a baby, and how I didn't know what else to do. I didn't know anything of what my next step was going to be other than drinking.
And so she had told me, “You need to get your butt to a meeting and I'm going to recommend a women's meeting for you.” So that was a room full of women in AA, and I just broke down in there and shared what was going on with me. And the amount of love and grace and support that I received in that meeting was incredibly profound.
I had three separate women after that meeting pray over me separately, and just gave me their phone number, shared their own experiences with me.
So basically in a nutshell, what I've learned with faith, with AA, is reach out. God gives us other people to be in these communities for love, support, and encouragement.
So I would say the most impactful thing was connection. And I think that I desperately needed connection when I was at my rock bottom before getting sober. That's what my body and soul were craving, was connection to God and other people. So that's what AA provided me, and that's what Bridget’s Cradles has provided me, is connection with community.
I had found out about Bridget’s Cradles probably a couple of weeks after my miscarriage in January of 2024. I was way too scared and not open enough at that time to go to a bereaved moms support group. I didn't know what to expect, and I was so in the midst of my grief and wasn't thinking or seeing anything too clearly.
But the way I discovered it was I was complaining to my husband that I couldn't find a miscarriage support group. And so he had asked his co-workers about it, and he has a co-worker whose wife had attended Bridget’s Cradles because she experienced loss.
So he had told me about Bridget’s Cradles, and I don't know, I guess it's just God's perfect timing, but my first one was July of 2024, so about seven months after baby Phoenix had passed.
And I was so nervous to go. I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know if I was going to be accepted just as I was with my experience and with my story. But I just had a feeling I had to go.
And I called my sponsor probably a couple hours before my first Bridget’s support group, and I was shaking, having so much anxiety, and I called and I said, “Hey, I found this group. I think it's going to be super helpful, but I don't know if I can get myself to do this. What if it's terrible? What if they reject me? What if they think I'm crazy because I was only a few weeks pregnant and lost my baby, and they don't understand?”
And she told me, “If you feel like God wants you to go, you need to go.” She said, “You can always leave.” She said, “Give it an hour. See what happens. If you don't like it, leave and call me.”
And I walked through the doors and saw Ashley. And Ashley, you greeted me with a hug, and I just felt so immediately warm, accepted, welcomed, invited to be a part of. And I felt very seen.
And then everything that I was hearing in that first support group from other women with their experiences and their triggers rang so true to me. So I think it was helpful hearing other women share their stories. It made me feel a little bit less crazy.
I was full of so many different feelings at once, and so in the thick of grief that I thought that there was something wrong with me. And being able to hear it from other women helped tremendously with, “Okay, this is a natural reaction to a huge loss. This is just part of it.” So that helped me a lot.
Ashley Opliger: [00:22:26] I agree. I think that the enemy wants us to feel like we're the only ones that are grieving or the only ones that feel the way that we do, and so that's part of his isolation tactic, to keep us in the dark, to keep us alone, and to make us question how we're grieving.
And really, I think that stems from wanting us to just move on and stuff it down. Because the enemy knows that if we're going to fully heal, we have to grieve and we grieve best in community and with the Lord. We need God to walk through this with us, and we need other women beside us.
And so I'm just so glad that you stepped foot into our building that day and that you came in and just found so much comfort and hope, not because we're anything amazing, but because God is amazing and He wants us to do life in community. And not just life when things are going well, but life when things are hard.
As you know, with AA and also through losing Phoenix, we need each other the most when we're struggling. And that's the exact time that the enemy is going to try to isolate us, because when we're weak and we're wounded, that is the perfect time for him to wreak havoc in our lives and to try to break down our faith and our relationship with God.
And so I'm just so proud of you for showing up, because a lot of times just showing up is the hardest part, or with recovery, making that phone call and just admitting, “I need help. I can't do this alone.”
There's so much courage and bravery in making that call or stepping into a support group. And so I'm so amazed by you and the Holy Spirit's work in you that you are continuing to let Him lead you out of the darkness.
And so I want to come back to your story of recovery, because you and I met in July, right before my Dad was killed by a drunk driver. And you had shared your story about struggling with alcohol in your past, and we had a good conversation about that in July. And then my life just turned upside down, and I wasn't at support groups for, I don't know, a month or two. I forget exactly how many months I was off.
But during one of the support groups when I came back, you and I and another grieving mom who also has a history with addiction, we just had such a raw, honest conversation about it. And I remember you saying, “Well, that could have been me that killed someone,” because of your drinking. And you knew that you were going down a dangerous path that if God didn't pluck you out of, there was going to be severe consequences for you and possibly others.
And so. first of all, I just praise God that's not your story, that you didn't kill yourself or kill someone else because of your drinking. But I do want to say as I'm on this side of it, being a victim's family, of course, I'm going to advocate for harsher laws, penalties, and sentencing for drunk drivers.
But really for me, I also feel a burden and fire in my heart because really it's not the drunk driving that's the problem. It's the heart issue that leads someone to get drunk and drive.
And as you know, when you were in the darkness, this is a heart and soul issue. This isn't just a policy issue. People are going to continue to be killed regardless of the law. It's a heart and soul issue.
And so if you would just share about what that time looked like in your life and what that conversation was like with me afterwards, and how we've just been able to have some really hard and holy conversations surrounding alcohol.
Emily Shove: [00:26:16] Yes. I started drinking as a teenager, and looking back, I think it felt helpful to drink, to cover feelings that I didn't want to feel. And so that's when I started, was as a teen.
And I realize now that the drinking gradually progressed, and towards the end, I would say when 2020 hit, I had lost my job, and so basically I was chain smoking cigarettes and drinking basically the whole day.
I didn't live with anyone, and so I felt very isolated and alone, and I didn't feel like I had a purpose because I hadn't been working. I find a job, my drinking goes down quite a bit because I want to be responsible at this job. I get comfortable, the drinking, again, it progresses.
So I'd say for the last year of my drinking, it got to a point where it felt like I was watching myself go to the liquor store, get the alcohol and come back and drink. It was almost like it was completely out of my own control, like I wasn't making those decisions. It was just routine every single day, and that's what I needed. I felt like I needed that.
There were a lot of times where I'd go out and come back home, wake up the next morning in a panic of who I called, who I texted, looking out my window to see if my car was home, because I was a blackout drinker.
And my intention at the beginning of the night going out for drinks with friends was not to black out because it's horrifying, not remembering who you're speaking with, who you're with, where you're at if I drove. And there were many nights where I wouldn't remember, so I'd remember maybe my first two drinks, and then after that was just a blur and bits and pieces.
And so you had mentioned a heart issue, a soul issue. And so when I think about drunk drivers and the consequences, I think of these drunk drivers or people getting DUIs or people causing all this destruction and pain to other families, I approach thinking of this person with curiosity and compassion because I was in so much pain and was so isolated and felt so alone in my drinking, especially towards the end.
So I think of these people with compassion instead of judgment, because I have experienced it personally. It's just a little hard to explain, I guess, is what I mean.
Ashley Opliger: [00:29:24] Yeah, I understand what you're saying. I think, “Hurt people hurt people.”
Emily Shove: [00:29:29] Yes.
Ashley Opliger: [00:29:29] And behind an addiction, there's pain. And behind turning to the bottle or running to the liquor store or getting blackout drunk, there's a pain and a wound, and for each person, it's going to be different. It might be something in childhood or later in adolescence or their adult years, but there's pain behind it. I'm sure there's people who say they just drink for fun, but I think ultimately it becomes something that they're relying on or using to medicate or numb.
I think so often in our culture, because alcohol is legal and it's socially acceptable to go out and have drinks and whatnot, I think it's harder to escape an addiction because there's so much rationalizing or so many excuses that you can have to say, “Well, it's just a glass of wine every night to relax me after a long day.” Or, “It's just going out on the weekends with my friends and having a couple drinks. I don't have a problem.”
And I'm not going to say where that line is. It might be different for everyone. Me, personally, I am sober and I've not had an issue with alcohol in my past, but I just choose to be because I have seen the devastation of alcohol in other people's lives, and obviously what it did to my family in my Dad's life being stolen from him. And I just want nothing to do with alcohol.
And so I've chosen to live a lifetime of sobriety. And also because I'm a Christian ministry leader, and I don't think that needs to be part of my life as an example to others. And so this is not a podcast here to share judgment if you are drinking or have drank in the past.
Ashley Opliger: [00:31:28] We hope you are enjoying this episode so far. We want to take a quick break to tell you about some resources our ministry provides to grieving moms.
On our website, bridgetscradles.com, you can find hope-filled resources on grieving and healing including memorial ideas, quotes & Scripture, featured stories, and recommended books and other organizations. We share ideas on how to navigate difficult days such as due dates, Heaven Days, and holidays.
In addition, every month I lead Christ-centered support groups for bereaved moms called Hope Gatherings, both in-person and online. You can find a list of upcoming dates and sign up for our next support group on our website.
Lastly, we would love for you to connect with us on Facebook and Instagram. You can find us on these three pages: @bridgetscradles, @cradledinhope, and my personal page @ashleyopliger. You can also join our private Cradled in Hope Facebook group for grieving moms to find community. We would be honored to hear your baby’s story and be praying for you by name. Now let’s get back to our episode.
Ashley Opliger: [00:32:38] My heart behind this episode and bringing Emily here is really just to talk about the struggle, but most importantly, how God can bring you out of it.
And so if you've lost a baby and you are drinking to numb the pain, or you're struggling with wanting to do so, I feel like it's so important to drag this out into the light. And by sharing Emily's story, my hope is that it would bring freedom and transformation for others who are listening to this because I just know that the enemy wants to use your loss, the loss of your baby, to destroy your life.
And it's going to look different for everybody. And alcohol might not be the drug of choice for everybody. It could be other drugs, it could be other behavior. It could even be eating, spending, or promiscuous behavior. There's so many different things that we can turn to that are not healthy to cope with grief.
So this is not just trying to specifically call out alcohol, but I do think that it is running rampant in our culture, and it's a very delicate thing to talk about because it is so socially acceptable. Would you agree with that?
Emily Shove: [00:33:52] I absolutely agree. I think alcohol can be so glamorized in our culture. It's on TV shows, movies. I think that it's everywhere we turn. It's at every event and it's legal. It's just socially acceptable to drink. And it can also be really poisonous to our spirits.
When I was at the end of my drinking, feeling like it was out of my control, feeling like almost the enemy was working on my behalf, making me do it, I knew that I was serving alcohol as my master.
And I know that Scripture says something about money, you can't serve God and money, and I believe the same thing about alcohol. You can't be serving alcohol as your master and also serving the Lord. I knew my only way out was God. I knew my only path to restoration and redemption was to turn to Him and let Him take over my life because I had completely lost control.
I was powerless to the disease of alcoholism, and I needed to make a turn into His loving arms for Him to guide me with the next steps and to place certain people in my life to get me there. I didn't know how that was going to look, but I had to work on trusting Him to guide me and that He would show me the way out. And I knew that was the only way.
And so it was by His power that He got me out of that situation and that I met the people that I did to help restore me and to help remind me to look to Him. And what's so awesome about God is that when we try to run away, He finds us. He's constantly inviting us in. He's constantly chasing us.
And I think through the process of this miscarriage, I learned that. I felt so abandoned by Him, but I was not. He will never leave us or forsake us. And something I learned through this process of grief was that He is a good God, that He is faithful. He restores, He redeems. He loves us no matter what we've done in our past.
And there's always hope, that we are a new creation, and there's also the hope of Heaven. So that was also something I wanted to touch on, was that I didn't think about Heaven or reuniting with Baby Phoenix until the support group of Bridget’s Cradles. So I really appreciate the emphasis on Heaven and that we can focus our minds on Kingdom things, and that we can focus on a bright future in Heaven being reunited with our babies.
Ashley Opliger: [00:37:05] Amen. It's going to be the most glorious reunion, and I think it's so important for us to really think about that and spend time imagining what that's going to be like, because it's true.
And in Revelation, God says, “Write these words down because they are trustworthy and true.” And this is when He's talking about the New Heaven, the New Earth that we're going to one day live on for all of eternity in the Garden of Eden restored. And it's going to be beyond what any eye has ever seen or mind has imagined, and I just cannot wait for that.
And we really need to focus our attention and our thoughts on Heaven, because if we are constantly thinking of the things of this world, which are so broken and are stained by sin and death, we're going to be depressed and anxious and without hope.
And when we think of Heaven and the future that's coming, that we know that God will wipe away all of our tears, and that one day things will be restored and we will see our babies face to face and be with them forever, it changes our perspective of how we live out the rest of our earthly journey.
And so I just want to say, when you said you are a new creation, I remember asking you, you came to our volunteer night last week, and I said, “When we have this podcast, are you willing to be vulnerable about your life before Christ and your life before recovery?” Because sharing that, there's a lot of potentially shame and just darkness that you're kind of entering back into when you share these things.
And you said something to me that was so profound. You're like. “I am so different. I am new,” that there's a distance between that woman that you were before and the woman that God has made you to be.
And I just love that you can speak so openly about it because that's not even you. That's not you anymore. That's not Emily. And so would you talk about the difference of “before Christ,” before recovery, and who you are now, what that's like in your spirit, in your soul, in your life?
Emily Shove: [00:39:10] Sure. I used to live in such denial, and I used to live so fearfully, fear of feelings, fear of failure. I didn't have as much compassion or grace with people before getting sober, especially on myself. I think I did the most harm to myself and my spirit during those times.
I think learning about defects of character in AA and how we can submit them to God, how He can work through those, and how sometimes our weaknesses end up being our ultimate strength with Him on the journey with us is really cool.
I am a new creation in Christ and I am a chosen child of God. And not that I'm just completely on the other side of this thing. I think I can relate to Paul in Scripture when he talks about a thorn being in his side.
When hard times happen, I believe my first thought might be to take a drink, but I get to decide, and I have control over what the next thought is going to be and what it's going to lead me to.
In my old life, I was just running rampant on self-will, playing God on a daily basis and wanting all control. There's something so beautiful about having powerlessness. When we're weak, He is strong and He works on our behalf.
I think when I was running on self-will, I closed myself off to God working and me and around me. Now that I pray for God's will every single day because that's what's best for me.
So when I'm in self-will, I think I know my own plans and what's best for me, but I don't. So I want Him to guide me and place the right people onto my path so that He can work through me and that I can submit to Him, not just run my life on what I believe is best.
Ashley Opliger: [00:41:35] Amen. Amen. So, Emily, what would you say to a mom who's lost a baby and maybe she's struggled with alcohol in her past, or maybe she's tempted to turn to it now because the grief of losing a baby is so hard and traumatic and lonely, and she doesn't know how to get through this. How would you speak to her heart right now in truth and in grace?
Emily Shove: [00:42:13] I think I would tell her that God is with you, that your feelings are valid, but sometimes they can lie to us.
And I would tell her that God is still good, still faithful. He's still by your side. Even though you might not feel His presence, He is with you and for you, and He wants so much better for you than to live in alcoholism or to choose alcohol.
It's almost like a blocker to true healing. In a temporary moment, it might feel better, but it truly just makes things so much worse and so much harder. We have to feel in order to heal, and we have to be around other people and share our experience in order to heal. So community is super-important, even if it's just one trusted person. But share how you're feeling with someone that you trust.
Ashley Opliger: [00:43:15] Yes. And Emily, I would ask you as well, how does someone know that they are addicted or that they're relying on it?
I think that's the other aspect of it is there's this imaginary line between people who are social drinkers or who just enjoy a drink from time to time. And so I think that line is imaginary and invisible, and no one really knows where it is.
And I think sometimes that line, it thwarts people from getting help because they can just justify moving the line of, “Well, I don't need help because I'm not like this person,” or, “I haven't gotten a DUI,” or “I'm still functioning at work or in my personal life,” or “My friends and family don't really think it's a problem,” or there's just so many excuses.
And I personally don't know where that line is for other people, but I just wonder how would someone know that they need to take the next step?
And whether it's AA or just telling a trusted friend or family member, there's so many amazing programs. I really love Hope Is Alive. They are a Christ-centered recovery program. They're actually building a facility down in Oklahoma, and they have sober living homes in Wichita and in many different cities across the country.
But I believe in their model, and I believe in the fact that they are addressing soul wounds and trauma, and their recovery model is based on the Gospel and is focused on transformation with Jesus. And so I love Hope Is Alive. I just want to put a word out for them.
But how would someone know where that line is and that they potentially need help?
Emily Shove: [00:45:15] I think it varies from person to person. With my experience, mine was reaching a point where I felt out of control, like I didn't know how to stop. And so there was a self-awareness there that I had to have and a willingness to make a change. So it really just depends on their situation.
And I think someone would know deep down if that's a true issue. I think that God would convict them of that and put that on their heart. So I'll never label someone alcoholic if they don't deem fit that way for themselves. And I think AA maybe is not for every single person. Maybe it's a Gospel-centered recovery program and there's so many different resources out there that can help people.
Ashley Opliger: [00:46:08] Yes, that's very helpful. And I think it's so individual and it's a journey, and a lot of times that first step is the self-awareness of coming out of the denial that you had mentioned that you were in.
I know you had told me you knew deep down that you were struggling and that you had a problem, but you just pushed that down. And eventually there was that self-awareness of “I don't want to live this way anymore. I want to come out of this darkness.” And I don't know if you'd be willing to share some of the poem that you shared with me about living in the darkness and what that was like.
Emily Shove: [00:46:49] This is a poem I wrote when I was just under 30 days sober.
“The sunshine reveals parts of myself I want to kill and bury.
People expect me to be happy because the sun is out
as if it's some type of automatic cure for depression.
If perception is everything, mine is that it's storming.
The lightning strikes my roots and they rot
while others flourish in this apparent sunshine.
Let me feel my feelings.
Let me be in the darkness.
It’s something I have not allowed myself to do for years.
I would rather drown my sorrows in a whiskey bottle,
numb to the very core,
but I finally have to do the thing I don't always want to do
in order to become who I am destined to be.”
Ashley Opliger: [00:47:41] Wow. Emily, wow. I know you have a phone full of notes and poems that you've written, and first I want to say you're a beautiful writer. And what I love about it is just the rawness and the realness of your words.
And speaking of writing, you and I, we had a support group where I had you and the other women write a letter to yourself to put in an envelope and read a year later. And we've been doing this in our support groups for a couple years, and so I've had the opportunity to read letters that I wrote to myself a year prior, and it's been very healing for me.
I have an envelope in my closet that I will read next January, but I just want to say after that support group, you had written the letter to yourself, and we actually read them to each other, and that was very healing. And so maybe talk about that.
But then you went home and wrote a letter to Baby Phoenix, and so as we close our time together, I'd love for you to share a little bit about what writing these letters meant to you and, if you feel comfortable, sharing the letter that you wrote to Phoenix.
Emily Shove: [00:48:53] Writing is something that was my go-to in the midst of grief because it was an outlet for me when I didn't know what else to do. I know that I could go to writing. And it's raw, it's transparent, it's honest.
I wrote letters to God in the midst of my grief; at the beginning stages I couldn't get myself to pray. I couldn't get myself to sing worship songs, which was really the way I connected most with God. But I could write, and so I stuck with what worked.
And the letter that I wrote to my future self in about a year from now was so healing for me because I realized how far I'd come on my grief journey. It wasn't the end of the world anymore, and there was hope. And then I could look back at the last year and realize how much adversity I'd faced and remained sober.
And this year I'll be celebrating four years alcohol free. And it's because of God's faithfulness. It's because of what He’s done in me. It's not just because of me. So God gets the glory with that.
But writing is so healing and so therapeutic for me. And I had postponed and procrastinated this letter to my baby for a really long time because I knew it was going to be hard, but I had a huge sense of relief after writing it, and I would love to share it with you.
“Sweet Baby Phoenix,
I was beyond thrilled the day I learned you were growing in my belly on December 23rd, 2023. You are a beautiful miracle and Christmas blessing. When I told your Grandma, she screamed and jumped up and down with joy and laughter. It was one of the most beautiful moments of my life.
Although exciting. I was scared to nurture you in my belly and care for you when you'd be born. I had never done it before. What kept most of those fears at bay was your amazing Daddy and our loving relationship. We had gone through new and hard things together, so I just knew it would be okay. God placed so many incredible people in my life that were willing to help us and love you like their own. So I was ready, even though it didn't feel that way at the time.
When I found out you were coming into this world, I immediately started planning and vividly picturing our new life together with you, my precious baby. I planned what your nursery would look and feel like. I pictured your Dad and me, looking at you in awe when we would hold you for the first time, and when you got a little bigger, us all playing and running around the yard together. You changed my life in the best ways, giving me a new hope and purpose in life.
Then everything changed so fast, so painfully. We were separated with no explanation. All the pictures and the planning got ripped away from me. You were such a short time, but made such a big impact. I didn't understand why God would gift me with being your Mommy, then it disappeared so quickly and painfully.
I have known for a long time that God doesn't change. We as humans do, but I finally got to experience that in a new way this past year. I now know that God will never leave us, abandon us or forsake us. I am so happy you are in the arms of a safe, trustworthy, faithful, loving God. Even though it still hurts my heart that we aren't together right now on this earth, I can have peace knowing you're safe and happy with Jesus and that me, you, and Dad will see each other in Heaven one day.
I miss you. I love you, and I can't wait to hug you. I am grateful God picked me to be your Mommy. You are irreplaceable, and you'll always be in my heart.
Love, your Mom.”
Ashley Opliger: [00:53:04] Wow, Emily. That was so incredibly beautiful and so filled with love, a mother's love, and filled with truth and hope. I could just hear your love for Phoenix in every sentence, and the hope that's anchored through your entire story. So beautiful!
Well, I thank you so much for being willing to be open and to just share such hard parts of your life. But through everything, I hear the hope of Heaven and the hope of the Gospel and how Jesus can truly bring beauty from the ashes and bring true redemption.
That's who God is. He's a God of redemption. And if He can do it with you, He can do it with anyone. And so I just pray that this message today, if it is convicting hearts, that the conviction is from God. It is not condemnation. We are not here to judge or to condemn. We are here to share stories of freedom and transformation, that only Jesus can write those kinds of stories.
And so I just pray for any mom's heart who's listening that feels convicted from this message to get help or to tell someone, or to maybe, if it's even just to start self-reflecting on, “How am I grieving right now? And how is my soul? And what am I turning to? And is this going to lead me on a path of healing and transformation, or is this going to lead me into numbing and bitterness and resentment and anger and a life of disappointment?”
And so I thank you, Emily, for being so vulnerable to share your story and to share Phoenix's life with us.
Emily Shove: [00:55:04] You're so welcome. Thanks for letting me have the opportunity to do it.
Ashley Opliger: [00:55:08] Yeah. If you could close us in prayer and just speak over the hearts of women who, maybe they resonate with the part of your story of having a missed miscarriage so early and they are resonating with what it feels like to have the emotional whiplash of finding out the pure joy of expecting to only just be dashed with absolute heartbreak and trauma of a miscarriage.
Maybe they resonate with your story of struggling with alcohol and coming into a life of recovery. Maybe it's something else that was said. There's just so many parts of your story that could resonate with someone. And so if you would just speak to all the women who are listening right now and pray over their hearts as we close.
Emily Shove: [00:55:54] Sure.
Heavenly Father, thank You so much for Ashley and creating Bridget’s Cradles so we can have a safe space to grieve together in Your Name. And thank You for everyone listening. I pray that they would be comforted and have a peace that surpasses their own understanding.
I pray that instead of running to something else for comfort or dependence or coping, that, Father, they would run to You because You are a safe place. You are constantly chasing after us. I pray that these women would accept the invitation for You to be living in their hearts and to help them on a daily basis with decisions and their relationships, Lord.
I pray that they would feel Your presence, that they would stand firm knowing that You are a good God, You are faithful, You hold true to Your promises. And I pray that You would put people in their lives to remind them of the Truth in the hard times, that when they lose sight of it, they would get reminders of how beautiful and trustworthy and loving that You truly are.
I pray that we would continually surrender to You and Your will and the plans that You have for our lives, because what You have is so much greater than what we as humans can come up with by ourselves.
I pray that everyone would feel loved and welcomed and invited by You and others in their lives, and that anything that is secretive or in the dark that needs to come to light would come to light. Lord, You don't want us to carry all of our burdens on our own. That's why You made other people, and You invite us to bring those burdens to You so we don't have to carry the load.
Lord, thank You for Your goodness and grace and love. And we love You, and it's in Your mighty Name we pray. Amen.
Ashley Opliger: [00:58:16] Amen. Thank you so much, Emily.
Emily Shove: [00:58:19] Thanks so much for having me.
Ashley Opliger: [00:58:23] Thank you for listening to the Cradled in Hope Podcast. We pray that you found hope & healing in today’s episode.
Don’t forget to subscribe so you don’t miss new episodes when they release on the 1st of every month. You can also find this episode’s show notes and a full transcript on our website at bridgetscradles.com/podcast.
Be sure to leave your email address so that we can keep you updated on podcast episodes, upcoming support groups, and other hope-filled resources.
If you’re interested in volunteering or donating to Bridget’s Cradles in memory of a baby in Heaven, you can find information on our website on how you can get involved and spread hope to other grieving families.
One way you can help is by leaving a review of this podcast on iTunes [or the Apple Podcasts app]. Consider the minute of your time as a way YOU can personally share the hope that you’ve found here with another mom whose heart is broken and needs healing.
Thank you so much for listening and sharing. Until next time, we will be praying for you. And remember, as Jesus cradles our babies in Heaven, He cradles us in hope. Though we may grieve, we do not grieve without hope. Thank you so much for listening.
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