Episode 19 - When Wishes Change with Tricia Roos
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Join us for a conversation with Tricia Roos on pursuing and accepting God's will when your motherhood journey looks nothing like what you had hoped or expected it to be. After her daughter, Annabelle, was diagnosed with Trisomy 18, Tricia was advised to get an abortion. Tricia chose life and watched God perform a miracle: allowing Annabelle to live for six days and defy all medical odds.
Tricia shares Annabelle's story in her new book, When Wishes Change, which describes how God walked her through her grief and showed her how to embrace His will for her life. She is passionate about encouraging grieving moms to find purpose in their pain and use their God-given gifts for good.
In this episode, we discussed:
Choosing life despite a fatal diagnosis in pregnancy
Finding healing in embracing God's will
How to find purpose in your pain (and why)
Discovering and using your gifts for good
Grief presenting itself years later and how that can be normal
Life milestones and how they can trigger grief
Experiencing joy again (when you don't think you ever will)
What you can learn from friends who are further along in their grief
Gender disappointment with rainbow babies and complicated feelings in grief
The value of time and viewing each day as a gift
All about her book, When Wishes Change
Full transcript below.
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Discussion / Application Questions (leave your answers below in the comments!)
Tricia's book is called When Wishes Change because she learned that by pursuing God's will and embracing it, that her wishes became His wishes. How have you found that God has changed your perspective and your desires? Has it been hard to accept His will for your life? Journal below.
In this episode, Tricia and Ashley talk about how grief can surface years later at unexpected times. Has this been the case for you? If so, did something trigger it? If not, is this something you worry about in the future? In what ways has your grief changed over time?
Tricia and Ashley talk a lot about finding purpose in pain and why that's been healing in their grief journeys. Tricia mentions that it's important to use your God-given gifts and talents to bless others. Write down your strengths and passions as well as any promptings God has put on your heart then spend some time in prayer asking Him to provide clarity and direction.
Graphics to share on social media or pin on Pinterest!
MEET OUR GUEST
Tricia Roos is a Dallas wife and mom who lost her daughter, Annabelle, to Trisomy 18. Against the advice of medical experts, Tricia chose life for her daughter and ended up experiencing a miracle: Annabelle lived for six days defying all medical odds.
Tricia's story captured the attention of the large high school she worked in and the media in her city. She is the author of When Wishes Change.
Connect with Tricia:
Facebook: /whenwisheschange
Instagram: @whenwisheschange
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MEET OUR HOST
Ashley Opliger is the Executive Director of Bridget's Cradles, a nonprofit organization based in Wichita, Kansas that donates cradles to over 1,090 hospitals in all 50 states and comforts over 26,000 bereaved families a year.
Ashley is married to Matt and they have three children: Bridget (in Heaven), and two sons. She is a follower of Christ who desires to share the hope of Heaven with families grieving the loss of a baby.
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EPISODE TRANSCRIPT
Episode 19: When Wishes Change with Tricia Roos
Ashley Opliger: [00:00:00] You’re listening to the Cradled in Hope Podcast where we believe that the hope of Heaven, through faith in Jesus Christ, has the power to heal our hearts after the loss of a baby. It’s a pain no mother should have to endure and we want this podcast to be a safe place for your broken heart to land. Here, we are going to trust God’s promise to restore our joy, use our grief for good, and allow us to spend eternity with our babies in Heaven.
I’m your host, Ashley Opliger. I’m a wife, mom, and follower of Christ clinging to the hope of Heaven. My daughter, Bridget, was stillborn at 24 weeks in my first pregnancy in 2014. In her memory, my husband and I started a nonprofit ministry called Bridget’s Cradles, and God has given us purpose in our pain and we’ve seen beauty come from ashes.
Although we wish you didn’t have a need to be listening to this podcast, we believe God has a reason for you to be here today. We pray this time would be a source of healing for you as we remember that Jesus cradles us in hope while He cradles our babies in Heaven. Though we may grieve, we do not grieve without hope. Welcome to the Cradled in Hope Podcast.
Ashley Opliger: [00:01:24] Hi friends, and welcome back. I am looking forward to you hearing this episode today. We have a very special guest, Tricia Roos, author of When Wishes Change, a book that she wrote that shares her story of losing her daughter, Annabelle. She will share her entire story here in just a minute, but I'd like to do a brief introduction to her story.
Tricia Roos is a Dallas wife and mother who built her career coaching young athletes. Multiple state volleyball championships pale, however, next to what she gained through tragedy. Against the advice of medical experts, Tricia completed her pregnancy with a child diagnosed with a fatal chromosome condition. That season her team won, the child in her grew, and eventually, Tricia held and loved the daughter no one expected to live.
Then in six days, Tricia and her family rewrote the medical chapter on Trisomy 18, living out a story that galvanized the large high school she worked in, the media in her city, and inspires her audiences and readers today. Let's jump in and hear her remarkable story.
Ashley Opliger: [00:02:35] Welcome Tricia. Thank you so much for being here.
Tricia Roos: [00:02:38] Thanks for having me.
Ashley Opliger: [00:02:40] We were introduced by a fellow podcaster and I had the honor of hearing your story on her podcast that I had previously been a guest on. And I was just so humbled by your story, and I would love for you to go ahead and introduce yourself and share Annabelle’s story with us.
Tricia Roos: [00:03:01] Absolutely. So my name is Tricia Roos, and I live in Dallas, Texas, born and raised in Dallas. And just like a lot of people, I went to college and ended up meeting my husband and got married and we both started our careers.
And so we went through our 20s just really focusing on our marriage and our career, and around 2011 we decided we were ready to have children. And so I was pregnant with my first child, Cameron, super easy, healthy pregnancy overall. And so when Cameron was about three years old, he started asking us for a lady baby, and he had noticed that some of his friends were getting little babies, particularly a lot of little sisters, and he just wanted to go pick one up at the store, I guess.
And so we just told him to pray about it, because we weren't sure how to explain that to a three-year-old. But I was pregnant a few months later and everything was great for the first few months. And again, I was pretty naive to any kind of unfortunate circumstances with pregnancy or a loss or a miscarriage.
And my doctor happened to mention at the end of the visit that I could do a blood test to find out the gender. And I was so excited to plan–coloring a wall pink or blue, so I took a blood test.
Well, we ended up finding out about 10 days later that the blood test revealed that our baby was a girl, we had our lady baby, but that also she tested positive for Trisomy 18.
And I had no idea what that was, and my doctor proceeded to tell me that so many of us are familiar with Down Syndrome being Trisomy 21, and Trisomy 18, it's just typically a more severe version of Down Syndrome and usually comes with heart and brain defects.
And so we found out that our Annabelle had a two-chamber heart instead of four, and basically we were told there was no chance of survival and we were encouraged to get an abortion.
And we found all of this out so fast and everything just being this spiral out of control with emotion. And we were so puzzled why we would be told to have an abortion. I thought maybe my life was at stake. I really didn't understand.
And so what I came to realize very quickly was that the recommendation was purely because she wasn't perfect and she wasn't deemed worthy of whatever her life would look like, whether it was a stillbirth or if I would have a miscarriage or if she would have a short life, to that doctor.
And so we told him that was not our intent and that we would continue this pregnancy no matter what it looked like. And so, because of her heart condition, we were given less than a 10% chance of her being born alive. We were told that if she was born alive, that it would likely be very short-lived, maybe a few breaths or live an hour.
And so many times you're struck with tragedy and you didn't see it coming, but we were in a situation to where we knew it was coming. We just didn't know when. And as I continued that pregnancy and made that decision to continue on with her life,
I was the Director of Admissions at a really large Catholic high school with a volleyball team I was in charge of, I was the head volleyball coach. And I had already told everybody I was pregnant because I was so excited.
And so I decided to make this really public and just say, “Look, we are not choosing abortion. We believe that her life has value and that we're going to love her no matter what.” And what was really beautiful about that situation and in that community with just how they rallied around us.
And so many of us may know a teenage girl or two that you may associate with drama or selfishness. And my experience that year, in particular, that volleyball season, August to November, was that these girls came together completely selfless and playing for something bigger than themselves. And that really brought unity and really helped me out through those hard days, that I knew that I had troops rallying for me all around me.
And so we went on to win the state championship in volleyball. They dedicated the whole season to Annabelle. Our state rings were engraved with Annabelle’s Army. That's what they called themselves. And I was still pregnant into my third trimester. I wasn't even expected to get that far, but there I was still pregnant and continuing on and marching into December.
And in that month after volleyball season ended, I was able to put my full focus on her life and taking care of myself and taking care of her and really acknowledging that I could spend time with her, talking to her in my stomach. My son talked to her nonstop. He loved talking to his sister when she was in my stomach.
And when we got to the end of December, our doctor said we really needed to do a C-section and that I was really taking on a lot of amniotic fluid and needed to get her out to have a chance of her survival.
And so we scheduled a C-section on December 29th, a few days after Christmas, with an operating room full of doctors and nurses as if I was some kind of miracle spectacle because they didn't expect me to be there.
And when they got her out, she was not breathing and I was getting prepped that she was not alive. And the minutes felt like hours, and after about three or four minutes, we heard this little lion cub cry. And as soon as we heard that, we knew she was alive.
And they got her over to my chest for kangaroo care, as they call it. And her heart rate was regular and she turned pink. And she was amazing! She was gorgeous.
And from then on, she just kept defying everything that experts had said, that she couldn't make it to birth, that she couldn't live more than an hour because of her heart and her lung issues. But she ended up living six days.
And for me, I feel like that was such an honor and a blessing to get her as long as we did. I know that's not everybody's story, but I know that was God's plan and will for her life, knowing that she was born to defy odds and to open some doctors’ eyes about maybe the expectations of a baby with special needs like her in the same situation. I just felt like that was really God’s calling.
And so I felt really called by God to write a book. I started writing and writing. And when I got to the name, it actually came to me at a conversation with my editor that we wanted to call it When Wishes Change, because I believe that we all have these huge dreams and wishes that we put on our own hearts. And that's not always God's plan. That's not His wish or His will for us.
And so by allowing my wishes to change and embracing the fact that I was not going to have a healthy, normal pregnancy with her, I found more beauty and hope and love than I could have ever imagined.
And no one wishes to have this happen to you. I didn't grow up as a little girl like, “I hope I have a pregnancy with a baby that’s going to die.” But now that I've been through this situation and I've watched my wishes change to align with God's will, I feel like I have this calling to share that, because I do know so many people when they're in the heat of the moment and they're dealing with grief, it just feels like there's no tomorrow and it's so painful and you don't understand God's purpose and will in it.
But I do feel that as you allow wishes to change and you align your wishes with God's will, then you start to see a bigger picture.
Ashley Opliger: [00:10:59] Absolutely. I think when we can trust in God's sovereignty and understand that life is such a gift, it’s so precious and so sacred, and each day is a gift.
And you chose life for Annabelle. When you were being advised to get an abortion and end her life, you chose for God to determine the day and the hour to take her home, just like God is going to take all of us home and He has determined that day and hour.
And so you were able to view each day as a gift with her and then such a miracle and blessing that you were able to spend time with her, not only in your womb, singing to her and reading to her, but also getting to hold her and love on her for those six beautiful days. And I just love that you had such trust and also you allowed God to give you that perspective that life is a gift, and that we should cherish each day.
And so what would you say? Because I know that had to be so hard processing in your pregnancy a life-limiting diagnosis; even when you were going to pray for the best and hope for a miracle, there still had to be so many days filled with fear and anxiety and wondering what this was going to look like or how it was going to play out.
I did not have for Bridget a life-limiting diagnosis, but we had complications in my pregnancy and so many what-ifs and questions about how things would go.
And you and I actually were talking about the fact that we were pregnant with Annabelle and Bridget at the same time in 2014. Bridget was born in October and then Annabelle was born in December. And so that's really special that our stories connect in that way.
But would you share a little bit more about what that looked like in your pregnancy, walking through the fears, the grief, and the joy, and all of those emotions together?
Tricia Roos: [00:12:48] You know, I think the biggest thing I learned, and I didn't realize this until I was writing about the situation, was just because I prayed not to be anxious did not mean that it just disappeared. My prayers, my petition, everything had to be just constant pursual of God’s will.
And I found that I did have those bad days where I was really angry and mad. And I remember being on a run and I was just crying: “Why me? “Why did this happen to me? How could You have done this to me?”
And so in the book, I'm very open about the raw emotion, because sometimes we feel like, “Oh, that person is such a person of faith, they just trust and they go on with their life and it's so easy for them.” But it's not always easy, especially when you don't understand the outcome and when you don't understand the why.
And so I think that giving yourself freedom to be angry and to be upset and to be sad. It doesn't mean that you're turning on God. It just means that you don't understand.
However, you can't yell at God and then forget it. Right? You keep asking why and you keep pursuing answers. When the Bible says, “Just keep knocking, keep praying and you'll get answers,” I found that to be true. I found that the more I prayed and prayed and asked, I did get answers. And they weren't always the answers I expected or the ones that I wanted.