Episode 25 - Waiting in Hope through Infertility and Loss with Kelley Ramsey
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Join us for a conversation with Kelley Ramsey about waiting in hope through infertility and pregnancy loss. Kelley is the founder of Waiting in Hope Infertility Ministries and has experienced multiple miscarriages and waiting seasons as she has tried to grow her family.
In her heartache, God revealed to her where her true hope really lies—not in a baby—but in her Savior. As she walked with Jesus in her sorrow, she surrendered her desires and trusted God's will for her life. Kelley encourages grieving moms to trust that God knows what is best for them and will use their pain for His glory.
In this episode, we discussed:
Relying on God in moments of utter despair and sorrow
Why you need to grieve in order to find healing
Our identity as mothers and as Christians
Songs of lament in the middle of the waiting season
Intimacy with Jesus in our brokenness
How our neediness leads us to dependence on Christ
Desiring God's will more than having a baby
How babies can become idols and what should our hope be in?
The even-if mentality and coming to a place of surrender
Heaven's perspective and how it changes us
More information about the ministry of Waiting in Hope
Full transcript below.
Each episode has a special Hope Guide that you can download by clicking the button below. It is packed with hope-filled resources and extra information from the episode!
Discussion / Application Questions (leave your answers below in the comments!)
Kelley talks about how she wanted to want God's will more than her own desires (of having a baby). This is so hard. Do you feel that you can trust God with "even-if" kind of faith? Write a prayer of surrender to Him and acknowledge the obstacles in the way.
Kelley says that God wants what is best for us and will use our pain for our good and His glory. Is it hard for you to believe that? Write about it in a journal. Also, write down the ways you have seen Him bring good from your season of sorrow.
In this episode, Ashley and Kelley discuss how wanting (or even having) a baby can become an idol and that being a mother shouldn't be our sole identity. Our hope can't be in a baby but needs to be in Christ. Have you struggled with this? Share about your feelings in a journal.
Graphics to share on social media or pin on Pinterest!
MEET OUR GUEST
Kelley Ramsey is a speaker, writer, and teacher of all things infertility, women, faith, and hope. She is the founder of Waiting in Hope National Infertility Ministries.
Kelley has experienced years of waiting, infertility treatments, and miscarriages. She has written faith-based curriculum for women experiencing infertility to point them toward the true source of Hope.
Connect with Kelley:
Facebook: /waiting.in.hope
Instagram: @waiting.in.hope
Web: www.waitinginhopeinfertility.com
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MEET OUR HOST
Ashley Opliger is the Executive Director of Bridget's Cradles, a nonprofit organization based in Wichita, Kansas that donates cradles to over 1,250 hospitals in all 50 states and comforts over 26,000 bereaved families a year.
Ashley is married to Matt and they have three children: Bridget (in Heaven), and two sons. She is a follower of Christ who desires to share the hope of Heaven with families grieving the loss of a baby.
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EPISODE TRANSCRIPT
Episode 25: Waiting in Hope through Infertility and Loss with Kelley Ramsey
Ashley Opliger: [00:00:00] You’re listening to the Cradled in Hope Podcast on the Edifi Podcast Network. I’m your host, Ashley Opliger. I’m a wife, mom, and follower of Christ who founded Bridget’s Cradles, a nonprofit ministry in memory of my daughter, Bridget, who was stillborn at 24 weeks.
Cradled in Hope is a Gospel-focused podcast for grieving moms to find comfort, hope, and healing after the loss of a baby. We want this to be a safe place for your broken heart to land.
Here, we are going to trust God’s promise to heal our hearts, restore our joy, and use our grief for good. With faith in Jesus and eyes fixed on Heaven, we do not have to grieve without hope. We believe that Jesus cradles us in hope while He cradles our babies in Heaven.
Welcome to the Cradled in Hope Podcast.
Ashley Opliger: [00:00:52] Our guest today is Kelley Ramsey from Waiting in Hope national infertility ministry. Kelley is a speaker, writer, teacher of all things infertility, women, faith, and hope. As the founder of Waiting in Hope, Kelley launches new Waiting in Hope local support groups throughout communities in churches across the country.
She has a passion for discipleship and watching leaders love on women and couples wanting to grow their family but who instead find themselves getting lost in the struggle. Through her own journey of years of waiting, infertility treatments, endometriosis, surgeries, miscarriages, roadblocks, adoption dreams, and a calling to step out and share, Waiting in Hope was started.
In finding purpose in her painful journey, Kelley has seen joy and hope take root and grow blooms of healing in her heart and thousands of others. She has created six Waiting in Hope studies, a curriculum that is now being used by hundreds of women each semester to guide them towards the True Source of hope. I'm excited for you to meet Kelley and hear more about her story and ministry.
Ashley Opliger: [00:01:57] Welcome, Kelley. I'm so grateful that you're here today.
Kelley Ramsey: [00:02:00 ]Thanks for having me.
Ashley Opliger: [00:02:01] Well, we were connected and I was able to learn more about your beautiful ministry Waiting in Hope. And what I love about your story is that this was all created out of your waiting seasons. And so I would love for you to share your motherhood journey and your experience with miscarriage and infertility with us.
Kelley Ramsey: [00:02:21] Yeah, that's a big question.
Ashley Opliger: [00:02:23] I know.
Kelley Ramsey: [00:02:23] And a long one.
Ashley Opliger: [00:02:24] I know.
Kelley Ramsey: [00:02:25] I'm like, “How much time do we have?” So yeah. Waiting in Hope Ministries was really created, like you said, it was during our season of infertility.
We went through about a year all by ourselves. We were the first ones to get married out of any of our friends. And so for us to go a year without having anyone really know what was happening besides a few close friends, we were so isolated. And the enemy was using it in such a terrible way. And it was like, “There's gotta be others out here.”
And after our first loss, it's when it hit me. And I was like, “Whoa, we need people. This is not meant to be done alone.” And that's when I reached out to our church and to the women's director and was like, ”Do you have anything? This is what I'm going through.”
And she was like, “Actually, there's a few of you who've asked.”
And of course, in the conversation, I had said, “I'm willing to do whatever you need.” And so then I became co-leader of what became the infertility support group, which eventually would turn into Waiting in Hope and then would grow from there.
But my motherhood journey was full of so many ups and downs and things I would have never written or understood. And while we're recording this, it's National Infertility Awareness Week and I just shared yesterday about that I'm one in eight, but I'm thankful I'm better because of it.
I'm better because of my infertility journey, something I probably would've never been able to say to you year one or year two, but it was definitely a process of the Lord working through my heart and working into my faith and really pushing those, “Do you trust me, Kelley,” moments.
And it was in those moments of utter despair and sorrow and frustration and roadblocks that it was like, “He is all I have. And if I don't trust Him and allow Him to direct this path in my heart, then I'm going to fall apart because I can't do this. There is no way.”
And so that's probably the biggest overarching theme of my journey to motherhood. We had three losses that were really hard. They were usually pretty early on, but our third one came with no treatment, no trying for infertility’s sake. And it was just so hard because I'm taking these meds and it's taking a month for my hormones to go back to normal. And I just remember crying out to the Lord, “Why can't this just be over? Can't we just move on?”
And I remember the Lord just being like, “Pause, wait, I need you to work through this emotion.” And because in my own, I think, control of the situation I would've just moved ahead. I'd have been like, “Let's move on to the next trying.”
And the Lord just wanted to be like, “You haven't dealt with this and you haven't come to Me with this.” And so it really took that long, extended loss in the third one to be like, “Oh, I actually need to deal with this and not push it aside and not move on as quick as I could to get to the next thing,” which is our natural reaction. We don't know what to do with grief. The world doesn’t know what to do with grief.
Ashley Opliger: [00:05:22] Yeah, it's so uncomfortable to sit in pain, for yourself to sit in it and to feel the emotions. And for me, I always thought, “If I sit in this place too long, I'm going to go to such a dark place. I don't think I'll be able to get out of it.”
And so sometimes I was fearful of allowing myself to feel the full weight and despair of what I was experiencing. But also, as you said, the world is so uncomfortable with grief; it doesn't know how to handle it. And everyone really wants you to get back to normal and to be your old self and to be doing the things that you used to do.
And you almost feel this pressure to be back to yourself and just to push it down and to act normal and to be strong and move on. But we know that's not healthy and that in order for us to heal, we have to grieve first. You cannot have healing without grieving, and grieving it fully and raw and real with the Lord and bringing your entire broken heart to Him, because we can't do this alone.
We can't control it and fix it ourselves. We have to have the Lord's help and we have to have community. And that's a big part of your story is community. And you really see the value in partnering with the local church and being around other women who are walking in this season. Would you share more about what community looked like for you as you started your ministry and as you were grieving yourself?
Kelley Ramsey: [00:06:45] Yeah. So we went to the church and asked what we could do. And so this group started and it was like, “Oh, my goodness! We can find healing and hope, but also understand each other and comfort one another,” because the outside world didn't know what to do with us. The church didn't know what to do with us. And so it just felt like our safe place.
And we were like, “If we can learn to “mourn with those who mourn and rejoice with those who rejoice” in here, then how much easier is it going to be on the outside world? How much easier is it going to be when so-and-so announces that they're pregnant or tells us that they're lapping us now and they're onto their second child and we've been trying way longer?
It's so much easier when you know you have that community. And so Waiting in Hope and partnering with the local church became so important for us because we knew that's where we could really see lives change. We could see heart change. We could see motivation change.
And I love when I get to hear from our leaders and our group members, how they're not so focused anymore about the outcome and the things that we desire and want. Those are good, and those are godly and they're beautiful, but it's so much bigger than that. I was writing the other day about just how much the Lord wanted my heart, how much He wanted to woo me and show me even through this pain how much I was loved.
And I know that doesn't make sense because I'm going through hardship and God is sovereign and He's big, and He could have said no to that. And so I know that's a hard conversation. We're not going to go there right now, but I just kept going back to who God is. And if God is holy and He is sovereign, and He allows what He knows will be best for us, then this pain is something that He knows He'll use for my best.
And my best was to sit in that sorrow, to join in with community and have others hold my arms up like Moses had, and to watch the body of Christ really love me and support me and hold me when I'm crying, because I have nothing left because that pregnancy didn't take and stay, and that treatment didn't work or that baby didn't make it past 11 weeks or 12 weeks.
And so we saw as the Spirit did this thing where He allowed us to be comforted and really see what the church was meant for, number one, and number two, to see that the Holy Spirit is our comfort, that the Lord enters into those moments and covers you and goes, “This is how much I love you, that I would use pain to show you how dear you are to Me, to show you that I am more important than all the things you want in this world. And all the pretty houses and all the pretty cars and all the pretty things and all the people around you. I'm the one who will hold you when you're, like David, on your face because you're in the pit.”
And the songs of lament in Psalms became my cry. I didn't know what to pray, what to say. I'm tearful right now thinking about it. And it was Psalm 42, “My tears have been my food day and night.” I started pouring out what David would say, because I didn't have anything anymore.
And that's when God really met me, where that lament, my song, and cries became songs of praise because I realized who God was and how He was going to work and hold me. Not that it would end, not that everything would be roses and butterflies and rainbows, but that it was going to be okay because He was with me.
I feel like the Lord, that's how He comforted me in my grief. I feel like that's what I've seen Him do in others and that we push them towards in Waiting in Hope and our partnerships with churches.
And we train leaders and allow them to really go beside these women because either they're going through it or they're just past it. And they get to watch as God uses their pain for purpose and gets to bring beauty from what didn't make sense, and as they go, “Oh, I was there,” just like what you guys get to do. “I've been there and I'm with you and you're going to be okay.” I mean, there's nothing more like Jesus than that.
Ashley Opliger: [00:10:53] Yes. As you were talking, I kept thinking of the word surrender as well, because like you said, God just wants our heart. And for me, when I was walking through infertility, I experienced infertility with both of my little boys, over a year of fertility treatments and waiting and questioning and wondering, “Can my body even get pregnant? And if it can get pregnant, can I have a healthy baby that will live full term?”
And so I walked through a lot of grief and questions with my own body and all of that, but I kept having to surrender each time. I would wait the two-week wait between when you thought you would conceive and when you could take the pregnancy test, and it would be another negative test.
And as you very well know, it's just a rollercoaster of hope and despair. You're just so hopeful, each cycle that comes around, this is going to be the time that you see the two pink lines. And then just all hope seems to be lost when it's not.
And I think from riding that rollercoaster I realized I have to surrender not only my plans for my life, but also to accept His will and surrender my desires to be a mom. Because I think when everything is taken away from you and you lose a child, you lose hopes and dreams. When you have nothing left but Him and He's your comforter. The intimacy that you have with your Savior is unlike anything you can experience in any other season of life.