Our sweet boy, Kade was born just a few days shy of me being 20 weeks along in my pregnancy. I went into labor too soon and will never, ever forget the look on my doctor’s face when she broke the news to me. “It’s too soon. He won’t survive this.” I still don’t have exact answers as to why I went into labor so soon. I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never know why.
After a terribly painful labor and delivery, our sweet boy arrived at 2:30 am. I vividly remember sobbing to my doctor, begging her to do something and just saying “no” over and over.
I vividly remember the looks on everyone’s faces as they rushed out of the room to give our family time together. When I first held him, I sobbed and told him how sorry I was. I felt like it was all my fault that he wouldn’t get to grow up. It was so hard.
Kade was expected to survive two or three minutes. But our little guy held on for 99 minutes. We passed him around to the family that came to the hospital. All of his grandparents got to hold him, which was such a blessing.
Kade passed away in my arms. I remember watching his little chest start to take a bit longer between each breath. I told him it was okay to go and told him how loved he was. I promised him we’d keep his memory alive.
When he passed, I felt a peace come across the room. It was a feeling I truly can’t explain. Angels were definitely in the room at that moment.
After he passed away, he was put into a tiny light blue, handmade cradle. The thought of Kade being cradled and kept warm gave me peace.
Kade was eventually buried in his cradle. It made my mommy heart feel better to know he was in something comfortable. That he was being cradled.
My biggest regret was not taking pictures. Everything happened so fast that my time was spent holding him and making sure he knew he was loved before he passed away.
I’m grateful for my nurse- she took pictures of him in his cradle. She took pictures of his hands, feet, and sweet face. They are the only pictures we have of him and I will cherish them for the rest of my life.
The loss of a baby is something no one will understand until they experience it. I have personally experienced the judgments and assumptions cast upon me after my baby died. I’ve had people take my experience and try to make me feel bad about it because of how it affected them, or they’ve judged my absence from certain events- such as baby showers. Do the judgments hurt? Absolutely.
But I’ve chosen to give grace because they’re lucky to not be in the same “club” I’m in, and that’s something to be grateful for. Many people will not understand my continued grief, and some will continue to judge and make assumptions… and that’s okay.
Kade’s death taught me to be more loving and kind to others. To give more grace. While you may think you know what someone is going through, you don’t. Kade taught me that life is far too short to be anything but kind.
Love your people while you can because you never know when they’ll be gone. Smile at that random stranger because you don’t know what life is throwing at them. Kade’s life was short, but he sure taught me a lot and I’ve come out stronger than ever.
I am grateful to have found women that understand this pain. Who have welcomed me with open arms and without judgment.
I am grateful that our community, like Bridget’s Cradles, is doing so much to support families that have experienced this horrific loss.
Thank you, Bridget’s Cradles, for giving my baby boy his cradle. It will be with him forever, and that is so special.
Written by Nicole, mother of Kade, born on 4/17/2018 at almost 20 weeks and spent 99 minutes on earth before entering Heaven
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