I love sharing my daughter’s story despite how hard it is to do so. Her story deserves to be told and I love talking about her. To start, my husband and I had been trying to have a baby for a little while, and when we found out we were finally pregnant, we were ecstatic! I had a very healthy, normal pregnancy.
I went six days prior to finding out that we lost her for my anatomy scan. We had a perfect scan and everything was great. I noticed on the Sunday of Labor Day weekend that I hadn’t felt her move that day. I figured everything was fine because it was still early to be feeling her moving a lot, and I knew that I had an anterior placenta. I also had spent the whole day moving around organizing her nursery. I usually only felt her when I was really still.
Well, the next day (Labor Day) went by and I didn’t feel her that day either. I started to worry, but kept telling myself she was fine. It was too early to do movement kicks, and I didn’t always feel her move anyways. I went to work on Tuesday, and I couldn’t stop thinking about it even though I had just been SIX days prior to check up on her.
I work in a hospital, so on my lunch break I went down to the OB unit just to have the nurse ease my mind and hear her heartbeat.
Well, that quick trip to the OB unit that I thought I was being over dramatic about, changed my life. They couldn’t find a heartbeat, and then they did a STAT ultrasound that confirmed she was gone. I was in complete shock. I never dreamed this could happen.
I felt like I was dying. I hadn’t even told my husband I was going to the OB unit to check on her because I truly thought she was fine. My boss called him and he came right away. My hospital called my doctor, and we made a plan to go to the hospital where my doctor was located. I still remained in complete and utter shock.
My heart was broken. However, they induced me that night and my labor began. I labored for 28 hours and Lorena Louise Vanicor was born on September 4th, 2024 at 11:06 PM. I was blessed with an amazing doctor and staff members that treated my daughter and I so well.
I truly believe that the nurses and doctors were placed in those shifts by God to be there for my husband and I in such a heartbreaking time. We got to spend 15 hours with Lorena before we left the hospital. Those were the hardest, but best 15 hours of my life. She was perfect. We soaked in every single one of her features.
I worked so hard during my pregnancy to keep her safe and do my best to make sure she was healthy. Unfortunately, she had her umbilical cord wrapped around her twice, and it was compressed. A nuchal cord accident. A rare, freak accident. The pain I felt hearing those words. My perfect baby was gone, and nothing could be done. There was nothing to prevent it.
The failure you feel as her Mama despite hearing over and over it wasn’t your fault. I think about how hard it was to deliver her knowing she was gone, but I know that I would do it an infinity times again over. Just to hold her. Just to be her Mom. I would carry her again for those 5 1/2 months just to have that short time with her again.
I feel so proud to be her Mom. I just wish we had more time together. My husband Travis said it best, she came so peacefully and shined the brightest light into such a dark time. When they placed her in my arms, I felt an incredible love.
I can barely put into words how broken we are, but we are also so in love with our daughter. We love her so much. We miss her more than we can bear. Grief consumes us, and I just want her back in my arms. My body aches and longs for her. We had so many plans.
Her clothes still hang in her closet waiting to be worn. As I write this, it’s been a little over two months. I remind myself of how far we have come since we lost her. There were moments when I didn’t think I would survive this, but I have made it two months.
I am two months closer to the day I get to go to Heaven to hold my sweet Lo again. I can’t wait for that day.
My perfect Lo’s life was more than just a short moment in time, and I will spend my entire life talking about her, loving her, honoring her, and mothering her in every way possible. It’s so hard to find something positive out of such an unfair situation, but I will leave you with this…My Lorena Louise only knew love her entire life.
She will never have to experience the pains of this world. Jesus was the first person she saw when she opened her eyes.
Lorena gave me a love that I’ve never experienced. It can never be undone. It will never be forgotten. We are honored that she made us parents. She’s the greatest joy and love of our lives.
We were blessed to have found Bridget’s Cradles. The nurses placed our beautiful, perfect girl in the prettiest pink cradle.
After we got home from the hospital, I wanted to thank all of the organizations for all of the sweet mementos we received at the hospital, which is what connected me with Bridget’s Cradles.
Since then I have found the podcast, which has been so helpful for me the past two months.
I just want to thank all of the volunteers who make the cradles. I’m so grateful for you giving my daughter something to rest in while we spent time with her. I cling to that cradle so many nights just to feel close to her. Thank you so so much!
Written by Caitlyn Vanicor, mother of Lorena Louise Vanicor, born on 9/4/2024 at 21 weeks, 5 days.
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